I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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