I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
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