Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
