Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Sober January is a disaster.
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Randomize
