OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Randomize
