Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Randomize
