There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
