in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
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