just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Randomize
