I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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