theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
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