I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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