I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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