Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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