the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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