go do what you do best...puke behind churches
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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