I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
