the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
