I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
