Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
