I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
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