Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Randomize
