I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
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