yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Fuck me I smell like cheese
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
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