so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
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