pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
wakey wakey hands off snakey
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
