Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
