Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
She needs sedatives and a leash
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
