the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
