It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
