Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
Randomize
