im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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