some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Sober January is a disaster.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
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