My sheets look like a crime scene.
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
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