I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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