We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
So apparently I’m into choking now
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Randomize
