Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
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