Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
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