Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
