Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
You are a booty call, not a friend.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
Randomize
