my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
