All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
