my mouth tastes like poor choices
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
