Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize