I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
