He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
