I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
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