just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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