Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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