I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
