Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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