At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Randomize
