you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
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