In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Randomize
