This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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