The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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