I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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