John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
