so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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