Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
