Don't make out with my wife yet
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
Randomize